


Stupid Golden Kamuy

by FizzySide (FizzyCorrupts)



Category: Berenstain Bears Series - Stan & Jan & Mike Berenstain, Diners Drive-ins and Dives, Paddington Bear - Michael Bond, ゴールデンカムイ | Golden Kamuy (Manga)
Genre: A Shitpost AU I guess, Broad Strokes, Contains major spoilers at times, M/M, Nonsense, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-05-02 20:15:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 9,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14552688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FizzyCorrupts/pseuds/FizzySide
Summary: A dumb parody of the popular manga Golden Kamuy.





	1. The Immortal

They called him Sugimoto the Immortal. He was the greatest soldier to walk this Earth. He was also the most unkillable. He was like a living version of a film franchise everybody hates and no matter how bad it gets it makes money so it kinda keeps existing. Though unlike those things, Sugimoto had integrity. Well, structural integrity at least. He was durable. Not sure if he had moral integrity to be perfectly honest. But who really cares about that? I sure don’t. I mean, I still watch Robot Chicken so obviously my grasp of moral integrity is out the window.

So our story begins with Sugimoto snacking on Burger King and listening to “Barbie Girl” on his 1912 Zune. He was looking for some of that there gold, but the river was only giving him diamonds.

“Ugh, worthless diamonds!” He exclaimed, throwing them back in. “I need gold!”

“No more gold here.” Japanese Mickey Rooney said to him. “It’s all gone.”

“Where did it go? Gold doesn’t just disappear en mass overnight.” Sugimoto asked, angrily dumping a large bucket of worthless diamonds back into the river.

“Well you see, there was a gold rush a while back. It was fucking wild bro.” Japanese Mickey Rooney drank from his bottle of alcoholic beverage delight. “...But then this group of Ainu started to gather all the gold themselves so they could build an army. They were going to fight back against the government who forbid them to fish and hunt.” He paused.

“Wowie, that’s one heck of a story. Sugimoto responded with a less than caring tone.” Sugimoto said.

“I’m not done yet.” Japanese Mickey Rooney angrily yelled with anger scream. “So then this one guy was all like ‘I want that gold and I’m gonna take it’ so he killed them all and took the gold somewhere and hid it away.” He took a deep breath.

“Jesus fuck, that got dark.” Sugimoto said. “Are you sure that’s what happened?”

“Absolutely. It was in last month’s issue of Men Who Live In The Woods Monthly.”

“Oh wow, then it must be true.” Sugimoto answered, his interest piqued. “Is there more to the story.”

“Well, the guy goes to prison. He’d never told a soul the location of his gold...and then he still doesn’t. But he gets these guys together and draws squiggles on them while they scream cause he squiggled with a needle.”

“I think they got the point.” Sugimoto made finger guns at the guy.

“EYYYYYYYY!” Japanese Mickey Rooney exclaimed.

“I’m like Jerry Seinfeld over here.”

“Except you’re not an asshole.” Japanese Mickey Rooney complimented him.

“Well I’m glad you think that.”

“So then the guy told his Tattoo Teammates that if they break out of prison he’ll give them a share of the gold. So they did. The End.”

Sugimoto clapped and cheered. That story was the greatest he’d ever heard. He was tearing up. He could not believe the absolutely massive caliber of storytelling he’d just been through. Then Japanese Mickey Rooney was sleep.

...

“Ya know when this war is over Saichi, we should go into business as bread farmers.” Toraji said to Sugimoto. He shivered; the air was pretty cold after all.

“People don’t farm bread Toraji. You’re thinking of farming grain.” Sugimoto responded.

“Darn, then we should find gold. With that gold I could...I could go to America and find a great eye doctor to look at Umeko. A-and I could get my kid through college, so he doesn’t grow up to be an idiot like me.”

“That’s a pretty good plan, man.” Sugimoto responds, with a smile.

“I’ve done all the calculations! But I have to hurry, after this war our relationship with America is gonna spiral downwards.” Toraji exclaimed with worry.

“Wait what do you mean?” Sugimoto asked, quite concerned.

“...Take care of Umeko for me.”

“Toraji what are you talking about?!”

“Saichi, I don’t feel so good…” Toraji suddenly turned to dust and scattered to the wind.

…

“AH!” Sugimoto woke up, jerking himself up. He was shaken, but he couldn’t let his guard down. He could feel something was wrong. He turned his head to see a gun pointed at him.

“I’ve said too much.” Japanese Mickey Rooney said, his face one of worry.

“...Hey, you want to find out why they call me ‘The Immortal?’”


	2. Sugimoto Learns About Fish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where things get serious.

Sugimoto and Japanese Mickey Rooney were at a standoff. Sugimoto was no stranger to danger. Oh cool that rhymed. He knew a quick way out of this. It was risky though.

“Eat salmon, you old fart!” Sugimoto grabbed a fish from the river and slapped it across Japanese Mickey Rooney’s face. In shock, he dropped his gun. But that’s when the fish got the gun.

“Put your hands up.” The fish demanded.

“No.” Sugimoto responds, swallowing the fish and the gun whole. He burps, and it smelled like home.

“Oh man I am scare.” Japanese Mickey Rooney ran like the fast into the woods.

“Come back, traitorous old man I just met!” Sugimoto screams with rage and bloodshot nipples. He dashed after him into the woods, his legs moving like legs.

Suddenly he found a mound. The guy was buried in it. Oh fuck.

“Hey, are you okay?” Sugimoto was genuinely worried as he dug the guy out of the mound. Whoops, there was a gaping tummy hole. Japanese Mickey Rooney had been food.

“Oh no, the Yakuza got him!” Sugimoto screeched, tears running down his face. “He had so much to live for.” Then he noticed Japanese Mickey Rooney had a tattoo on his back and he no longer cared. “Wow, a tattoo...I want it.” He sliced off the flesh and sacrificed some of the blood to the blood gods.

“Boy, what are you doing to my food?” An anthropomorphic bear walked into this woodland clearing. It was Papa Bear of the Berenstain Bears. “How dareth you violate my holiest of meals.” He angrily commented. “You’ve scared my poor cub up into the tree. The divorce had already hurt him enough.” He pointed to Brother Bear, who was clinging to a tree branch.

“I only took his skin. Don’t worry, I left the meat.”

“But the skin is the tastiest part. Well if you’ve ruined my meal, you shall be the new one.” Papa Bear bared his fangs and readied his claws.

“Wait where the fuck is this going? Are you like...hitting on me?” Sugimoto asked with stupid.

“I FEAST!” Papa Bear declared and charged forward, suddenly an arrow hit him in the eyeball and he was dead. Sugimoto looked at the source of the arrow. It was a young girl dressed in what appeared to be handmade fur clothes.

“Who are you?” Sugimoto asked. “And why did you kill that polite bear?”

The girl slowly walked up to him. She took a deep breath and sighed. With a direct look into Sugimoto’s eyes she began to speak.

“Sir you are possibly, and we have only known each other for mere seconds, the stupidest individual I have ever encountered.” She said bluntly. “And personally I’m kind of wishing I hadn’t saved you at this moment.”

“Wow that is the sweetest thing anybody has ever said to me!” Sugimoto cheered. “You’re such a nice young lady. I bet your mom must be proud of you.”

“...What’s your name, sir?” Asirpa didn’t bother to respond to Sugimoto’s statement.

“I am Saichi Sugimoto. A lot of people call me Sugimoto the Immortal.” He did what he thought was a cool pose but it made him look like a jackass who eats curdled mayonnaise at Wal-Mart.

“I’m Asirpa. I’m from the local Ainu tribe. I saw you were in peril so I decided to be a good samaritan and do something about it. Once again, I am regretting it.” Asirpa approached the corpse of Papa Bear and cut away the flesh around the arrow. 

“Oh hey, what is that for?” Sugimoto asked.

“Well, the arrow was tipped with a poison that would spoil the meat and fur if left unchecked.” She answered, a smile on her face now that the idiot was asking real questions.

“Oh, that’s pretty interesting. So how does it spoil the meat? Does it give the meat money or gifts?”

Asirpa raised her head. The smile turned back into a neutral expression. She turned her head to Sugimoto and stared him dead in the eyes. This was what you’d call a hard stare. Sugimoto started to sweat.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Sugimoto asked, absolutely terrified.

“...Are you holding skin?” She asked, suddenly noticed the human flesh clutched in his right hand, waving about in the wind.

…  
Unbeknowst to the two of them, a cub lay half consumed in the woods. The corpse was slathered in an orange jam-like substance, marmalade. The voices of the duo’s conversation hit the ears of a large furry shape hanging over the cub. He started to laugh. It was a dull laugh, yet somehow filled with a sadistic joy. He placed his red hat back upon his head, and began to head towards the voices.

…

“-and that’s the story.” Sugimoto finished saying. “I know it’s pretty unbelievable.”

“I believe you. My dad was one of the Ainu that got killed by that maniac.” She responds with a neutral tone. “But we can discuss this later. We have to get ready.”

“For what?” Sugimoto asked, rubbing his chin.

“Well we’ve killed such a high profile bear in the area. The scent of his meat is bound to attract another.” She answered quickly. 

“Are you sure about that? That sounds very far fetched.” Sugimoto laughs.

“Can’t you smell it? This isn’t just this bear’s territory. Another bear rules this land.” Asirpa piles logs of wood on top of one another. She sets it alight as the sun’s light fades away.

“What smell are you referring to? And what are you even doing?” Sugimoto gazes at the fire, a confused expression on his face.

“...The smell of marmalade is strong in this air.” She answers. “We’ll need extra light once he comes.”

“Once who comes?!”

“...Paddington.”


	3. Bear With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring a surprise cameo.

Aside from the crackling of the flames, a harsh silence overcame the environment. Sugimoto and Asirpa had their guards up. They stood back to back. Whatever this “Paddington” was, Sugimoto knew from Asirpa’s warning this must be serious business.

“Asirpa, how do I know he’s coming?” Sugimoto whispered. He had his gun at the ready.

“The smell of marmalade will get stronger, and you’ll hear his feet slamming against the ground.” She responded. “He’s a very large bear.”

“Why is a wild bear eating marmalade?” Sugimoto has pondered this to himself for a while now. It was a weird thing to think about.

“Nobody knows. But they say he wasn’t always wild. Maybe the legends are true. He might have acquired the taste for marmalade from a human being.”

“God, this is so hard to bear.” Sugimoto grinned a shit eating grin.

“Sugimoto, shut the fuck up.” Asirpa said under her breath.

A quiet rustle came from the bushes nearby. Not one to take chances, Asirpa aimed her bow carefully at the bush. A woman with black hair and a mole below her lip emerged.

“Ooooo, I’m here to...do evil stuff.” She announced in a vaguely ghostly voice.

“Ienaga, you’re not supposed to be here for a while.” Sugimoto said to her, glancing at his script.

“Oh okay.” Ienaga responded, moonwalking back into the bushes. Asirpa was confused.

“What just happened?” She asked, a look of befuddlement on her face.

“She came on set too early.” Sugimoto answered casually.

“What does that even mean?”

“Yeah…”

Without warning, a colossal bear in a red hat and blue duffle coat burst from the brush. He was frothing at the mouth and roaring with rage. 

“Bring it on, bear!” Sugimoto screamed, ripping off his shirt. He dashed with pure strength of will at the hairy opponent. He readied his fist and it collided with Paddington‘s snout. The bear reeled back and made a sound of pain before slamming Sugimoto aside.

“Sugimoto, you idiot!” Asirpa declared. Sugimoto shrugged off the blow and stood up. He called upon his ancient turkey club sandwich strength and charged once more. But suddenly his foot got stuck in something and he fell. He looked to see he had fallen into a marmalade trap.

“Oh shit!” Sugimoto loudly louded. The bear approached and stood triumphantly over him.

“Aunt Lucy says the breast meat is the best cut.” Paddington said with british threatness. 

“She’s lying!” Sugimoto tried to lie himself. “It’s the most disgusting.”

Suddenly a gigantic white wolf arrived on the scene. He pounced on Paddington and used his great big teeth to tear out the bear’s throat. Paddington bled only marmalade. The natural fluids of an earthly being long gone. He collapsed. The wolf then left.

“Wow Asirpa, what was that?” Sugimoto asked with wonder.

“Oh that’s Retar. He’s a Hokkaido wolf. He’s pretty cool.” She answered, attempting to free Sugimoto’s foot from the marmalade trap.

“Wow, I’ve experienced so much already. I got hit on by a bear. I almost got eaten by a bear. I saw a wolf kill a bear.” He chuckled. “There was also that sentient fish I ate.”

“You know, after everything that’s happened I’m inclined to accept that you’re telling the truth.” Asirpa said. She had freed him. Suddenly a naked man with a tattoo on his back cut his way out of Paddington’s stomach.

“Oh shit, another tattoo!” Sugimoto brandished his knife and dove towards the man. “Give it!”

“Wait who are y- OH GOD YOU’RE STEALING MY SKIN!” The man screamed with pain of death.

“Sugimoto what the actual fuck?!”

“Got it!” Sugimoto proudly held up the skin. He felt nothing over what he’d done.

“I...you just killed that man.” Asirpa said, hand cupped over her mouth.

“Well he was a criminal anyway.” He answered

“Oh okay.”


	4. Enter the Burger King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where canon really diverges heavily I guess, earlier shitpost events aside.

Sugimoto and Asirpa had moved on from the Paddington attack incident and Sugimoto’s murder of a man who’d been formerly eaten by said British bear. They’d searched a nearby town for information on the skins. They’d eaten some squirrels. A pretty good time overall. However, Sugimoto was very hungry again, and he wanted a nice juicy Burger King burger.

“Hey Asirpa, do you know where the nearest Burger King is?” Sugimoto clutched his stomach tightly, trying to calm the hunger pangs. “I need some shitty processed food to fill my gut.”

“Burger King?” Asirpa cocked her head to the side. “What’s that?” Sugimoto gasped and grabbed her cheeks. Their faces came uncomfortably close.

“It is god, Asirpa. The true meaning of life.” Sugimoto whispered, his voice unnervingly toneless. “It is only the greatest of the burger restaurants that exist.” He suddenly pulled away, reverting back to his average demeanor. “So we really gotta find one.”

Asirpa was horrified by what had just occurred. Sugimoto was some sort of demon, he had to be. She decided that should he reveal his true form, she will kill him.

The two wandered for hours. Asirpa offered to hunt countless times but every time Sugimoto rejected the offer. Sugimoto was so hungry, but he would never give in to food that wasn’t Burger King.

“Hey, Sugimoto! Is that what you were talking about?” Asirpa called out. 

Sugimoto looked up to see a wooden stand adorned with a neon sign reading “The Original Burger King.” His mouth began to water and his hands were shaking. He ran up to the stand and began begging for somebody to come to the counter.

“PLEASE TAKE MY ORDER! I WISH TO HAVE IT MY WAY!” He yelled. Tears ran down his cheeks. He needed the flavor of a burger to go in his mouth. A hand rested atop of his.

“Hello, welcome to Burger King. May I take your order?” A man with a buzzcut and sideburns asked. 

“May I please have a Whopper and a small fry with a large Coke?” Sugimoto asked with a joyful grin. The man laughed.

“Definitely. You look pretty hungry. How about I throw in a free kids meal for the girl, on the house?” He pointed to Asirpa.

“You’re so cool! You must be the actual Burger King!” Sugimoto exclaimed.  
“Well not to toot my own horn, but I founded this business.” The man said. “I’m Shiraishi Yoshitake. I’m known in the food world as ‘the Burger King.’” 

“Holy shit! This is the greatest day of my life!” Sugimoto turned his head to see a very creepy man with soulless eyes walk up to the stand.

“I wish to buy all of your barbecue sauce.” The soulless eyes man said.

“Ah yes. Mr. Hyakunosuke. I have your daily barbecue sauce order ready. Let me throw some burgers on the grill and I’ll get it for you.” Shiraishi says cheerfully. He goes to the back of the stand to start preparing the orders.

“Wow, you’re buying a lot of barbecue sauce, sir.” Sugimoto happily acknowledged. “What are you gonna use it for?”

“None of your business, anal creamlord.” Ogata responded harshly. “You should learn to stay out of another person’s way.”

“Oh I do that all the time, like when I don’t cross the train track cause there’s a train.” Sugimoto patted Ogata on the back.

“Here is your barbecue sauce, sir.” Shiraishi holds out a sack to Ogata.

“Ah yes. The barbecue sauce to bathe my 83 year old body in to stay young forever.” Ogata looks in the bag and then looks back up to Shiraishi. “...You forgot one.”

“But I gave you literally all of my barbecue sauce, except the one I was holding aside for the kids meal chicken nuggets.” Shiraishi scratches the back of his head.

“Give it to me!” Ogata whips out a gun from behind his back. “I need it!”

“But the child-”

“Fuck the child! I need my eternal youth sauce!” Ogata pulled the trigger and a bullet went through Sugimoto’s hat. “Shit I missed!”

“You hurt my hat! Now I must break you!” Sugimoto aggressively grabbed Ogata’s arm and ripped it off. Ogata screamed in genuine pain. Cause, ya know, his arm was now ripped off. 

“Sugimoto, oh my god!” Asirpa was not surprised about this, but she was extremely disappointed.

“Now take your arm and go away, you dickmaster!” Sugimoto threw the arm at Ogata, who caught it and ran off in a panic. He’d dropped his bag of barbecue sauce. “Nobody dares threaten the Burger King in my presence!” He shouted at the now distant figure.

“Uh...thank you?” Shiraishi reached out to pick up the sack of barbecue sauce, but as he leaned over a hole in the back of his shirt revealed the shape of a tattoo. Sugimoto bit his lip and took a deep breath.

“...Sugimoto, don’t do it.” Asirpa readied her bow, afraid of what might happen.

“I shall not, for the Burger King is my hero.” Sugimoto said, showing a surprising amount of self restraint. When Shiraishi came to them with their order, Sugimoto sighed. “Sir, we need you to come with us. We’re on the trail of men with tattoos on their backs, and we noticed you have one.”

“Oh yeah, I do have one of those. It’s a long story.” Shiraishi took a very deep breath, ready to run through it.

“Don’t worry, we’ve heard it already.” Asirpa says. “We really need your assistance to find more of them.”

“Oh sure, I’ll come with you. Business has been slow lately, and I need to scout for new places to set up shop.” Shiraishi hands Sugimoto the bags and begins to close the shop down.

“Really, that easy?” Sugimoto asks, even he was surprised.

“Sure, why not? It’s better to help out if it means I can expand my business.” He laughs, shutting off the neon sign. He strokes the side of the building. “I’ll be back later my sweet.”

The trio walked off into the sunset, eating the delicious low cost food Shiraishi had made. The real adventure begins now.


	5. The 7th Division, Lords of Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here they come, rougher than the rest of them.  
> The best of them, tougher than leather.
> 
> Very short chapter.

His name was First Lieutenant Tsurumi. He is integral to our narrative, so today I introduce him to you. It is possible he may even be the true villain of this story. But how could I spoil such a fact so early on. You gotta wait like everybody else. Here, our story really starts coming together. Let’s go.

“Yo yo yo, Hip Hop Master Tsurumi in the house.” Tsurumi announced, walking into the room. The other members of the 7th Division sighed. He had his 1912 Boombox slung over his shoulder. He wore a gold chain around his neck and he had a backwards cap. Hijikata was sitting in the room eating a banana. He looked up at Tsurumi.

“Hey, it’s not my cue yet. Leave me alone.” Hijikata demanded. Tsurumi moonwalked out of the room and went into a different one. In that room, Ogata was lying in a hospital bed. He was crying still at the loss of his arm, but was pretty much okay.

“First Lieutenant Tsurumi!” Ogata is caught off guard by Tsurumi’s sudden arrival. “I uh...how is your mixtape coming along?” He asked to get in Tsurumi’s good graces.

“Well I finally have a title for it. ‘Busty Truckstop Bitches.’ It’s a work in progress.” Tsurumi proudly admitted. “I still haven’t found the money to fund mass production and release. Funding is too split towards our search for skins, my search for love, and my search for bigfoot.”

“Wait, we’re searching for bigfoot now?” Ogata asked. This was a mission he’d not heard about before. “But why?”

“Well, they say the bigfoot sightings are strongest in Hokkaido. He’s a menace to Japanese society.” Tsurumi placed his boombox down and walked up to a poster of bigfoot on the wall. “Look at him...he’s terrifying.”

“He just looks like an ape.” Ogata responded.

“An ape?! No, he is more than that. He is greater than any man. He will destroy us all.” Tsurumi was about to start ranting about bigfoot science.

“Wait, Lieutenant Tsurumi, Sir?”

“Yes?” Tsurumi looked Ogata in the eyes, and loudly slurped his cranial fluid going down his face.

“Where is everybody else?” Ogata wondered.

“Oh they’re working.”  
“Do you think they’re okay?” Ogata questioned.

“Probably.” Tsurumi answered with a thumbs up.  
…

“The bear is eating my legs!” Noma screamed with the most painful pain screams. A bear cosplaying as Rohan Kishibe from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure was mauling the group, who had pursued Sugimoto until his dive into a bear’s den. The bear had previously attempted to use Heaven’s Door on Tamai, who was now a literal open book when his face is considered. Tanigaki hid inside of a tree. Okada ran off and went to join a tap dance troupe, which grew to fame in the 1920s in Europe.

“Noma, don’t worry! We’ve got you!” Tanigaki yelled, taking pot shots at the bear from behind the tree. Tamai took out his revolver and shot the bear many times until it was die. Noma also survived, but now had no legs.

“Take that you bitch!” Tamai yelled at the bear’s dead body. Tanigaki ran up to Tamai and examined his now vacant face zone.

“Dude are you okay?!” Tanigaki asked in a panic.

“I can’t feel my face.”

…

“Yeah they’re probably fine.” Tsurumi reassured.


	6. The Burden of Samurai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I turned this into a quality ship fic out of nowhere, whoops. Another short one, but I'm happy with it.

His name was Toshizo Hijikata. He is another pillar of this narrative. He was known as the vice-commander of the Shinsengumi, but believed to have died in battle. Unbeknownst to many, he was trapped in a hellish prison. The prison kept him alive. Tried to break him. But in the end, he became one of the tattooed men and escaped the prison. He’s ready to initiate some sort of plan...but what is it?

Hijikata stood before the tall building. It had been years since he’d seen his old friend. A fellow member of the Shinsengumi. His name was...Shinpachi Nagakura. Years ago he’d been relegated to a prison almost as bad as Hijikata’s. It was called Peach Blossom Heights Old Folks Home. He calmly stepped up to the door and pushed it open. He stepped into a large, open room. A chandelier was hanging from the ceiling, but otherwise the room was unremarkable.

“Hello sir, how are you doing today?” A nurse asked politely. Hijikata smiled at him and thought of what to say next.

“I’m doing pretty well. Would you mind if I asked you where one of your residents resides?” He calmly questioned of the nurse. 

“Oh, absolutely. May I ask who you’re looking for?”

“Well um...Shinpachi Nagakura.” He nervously admitted.

“Oh wow! He almost never has any visitors. Right this way, sir!” The nurse very happily obliged and lead Hijikata to Nagakura’s room. “I’ll leave you two alone. I assume this is an important visit.” The nurse walks away and is soon out of Hijikata’s sight.

“...It’s been a long time, Gamushin.” Hijikata whispers under his breath. He knocks on the door and patiently awaits a response.

“Come in!” An old man’s voice exclaims. Hijikata takes a deep breath and slowly opens the door. He quickly locks eyes with Nagakura. The two stare at one another in silence for a moment. Suddenly, Hijikata runs forward and embraces his old friend.

“It’s...been so long.” Hijikata whispers, holding back tears. “I knew one day we’d meet again.”

“Fantastic to see you, my friend.” Nagakura responds, returning the embrace.

The two went on to talking. Hijikata truthfully admitted that he wished for Nagakura to come with him, to aid him in a great plan. Nagakura was nervous. He didn’t know what to say.

“...Are you sure you want an old coot like me to come along? This sounds like I’d just be a burden.” Nagakura looked down. “My age has caught up with me. I can’t possibly be of any use to you.”

“Gamushin, listen. It does not matter how old you are. It does not matter if you are not as physically able as you once were. I could never think of going on this journey without you.” Hijikata says, his voice unflinchingly honest and sweet in tone.

“Really?” Nagakura looked Hijikata in the eyes once again.

“We’re both samurai, Gamushin. We’re forever brothers in arms.” He smiles.

“If we’re still both samurai, then I guess we should carry this burden together.” Nagakura grips Hijikata’s hand tightly and makes a charming grin.

“It’s great to have you back.”

And the two were the happiest they’d been in years.


	7. Man of Honor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is really the shortest and least fleshed out chapter yet. I ran out of ideas midway through. We’ll be back here later though!

His name was Shirosuke Inudou. He was a harsh guard at Abashiri Prison. He had tortured and abused Toshizo Hijikata. He took pleasure in doing so. But then Hijikata escaped…

So he burned the entire prison down. Yep, just like that. He burned the fucker down and went on a biking trip across Hokkaido trying to track Hijikata down. Inudou grabbed his favorite pair of short shorts, packed his bags, and went biking while wearing said short shorts. His calves are GORGEOUS by the way.

He parked his bike by a tree near a cliff. He plopped himself down at the edge and took a deep breath.

“Guess I need a little break every now and then.” He whispered to himself. Inudou was pretty tired at this point. He’d been peddling for 18 hours. “Gotta treat myself right sometimes.” He raised a canteen to his mouth and took a large swig of water. “Hoo, that’s refreshing.”

A dull ache traveled through his legs. He began to massage his own legs delicately, hoping to get rid of the vague pain. 

“...Hey, what are you doing, you lazy bum?” A strange voice uttered. Inudou looked to his right. He saw a sock puppet of Hijikata adorning his hand. “Aren’t you going to keep hunting for me?”

“Yes, Hiji-kun. But I need a moment to recuperate.” He responds to the puppet in a casual manner. “I was peddling for a while.”

“Hmm, I shall allow it. There’s some interesting men nearby.” 

Inudou turned his head to the puppet, eyes wide open.

“What men?” Inudou questioned, severe worry in his voice. He turned to see three men in 7th Division uniforms. One had no legs. One had no face. One was just fine. 

He smiled a very goblin-like smile.

“Interesting, indeed.


	8. Flavortown Throwdown, Part 1 - Thoughts Unneeded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A real story arc begins now.

“Umeko…” Sugimoto stared into her eyes, tears welling up. Behind him, a house was in flames. “I’m so sorry…I can’t let you get sick too!” He took off running into the dark of night.

“Saichi, wait!” She yelled, falling on the deaf ears of stars.

…

Sugimoto stared blankly into the distance, as if awake yet uninhabited by consciousness.

“Hey bud, everything okay?” Shiraishi asked. His voice snapped Sugimoto out of his trance, and he shook his head.

“Um...yeah I’m fine. I was just in the zone, thinkin about...um…” Sugimoto scrambled for an answer. “...stop-motion. What’s up with it?”

“W-what’s up with it?” Shiraishi repeated the question in a very confused tone. Sugimoto darted his head around quickly, hoping to change the subject to something else in the area. It came to his quick attention Asirpa was nowhere to be seen.

“Shiraishi?” Sugimoto breathed in deeply, trying to stay calm.

“Yeah, boss?” He responded.

“Where is Asirpa?” Sugimoto asked slowly, putting his hands on Shiraishi’s shoulders.

“Oh, she went hunting-” He said with a huge grin.

“Oh thank god.” Sugimoto sighed with relief.

“...12 hours ago.”

“WAIT WHAT?!”

…

“Umeko, I know this may seem out of nowhere but,” Toraji took hold of her hand. “Will you be my bride?” 

Umeko glanced at Sugimoto for a moment, then looked back to Toraji. She gulped and decided to speak.

…

“How would you not have questioned her being gone for 12 hours?!” Sugimoto yelled, shaking Shiraishi like a ragdoll.

“Well people leave Burger King for over 12 hours and come back! I thought it was like that!” Shiraishi cried.

“That is because people aren’t eating fast food 24/7 you dingus!” Sugimoto threw him to the ground. “We have to find Asirpa. She might be in danger!”

“Oh no, you’re right!” Shiraishi stood up and immediately dashed off into the woods.

“Wait, Shiraishi! We gotta make a plan!”

In the distance, a man with frosted tips watched the duo squabble. He held a sack that moved wildly. The muffled cries of Asirpa could be heard from within. The frosted tips man laughed.

“Greater than bears. Greater than wolves. Greater than any Diner, Drive-in, or Dive.” He laughs sinisterly. “This is the ultimate prey...Man.”

…

“Toraji, you ever think about how amazing Umeko is?” Sugimoto gazes to the stars longingly. “She’s always been here for us. So kind and loving.”

“I think about it every day, Saichi.” Toraji chuckled and patted his friend on the back.

…

Sugimoto and Shiraishi dashed through the woods, panickedly calling out Asirpa’s name. There was nothing of greater importance at the moment than making sure she was okay.

Sugimoto searched through bush after bush. As he peeled back the branches of one, he found a naked man with small round glasses, a thick mustache, and a beard; the man grinding against a tree.

“Sir, have you seen a young Ainu girl?! She is small and has a dark blue headband and she’s wearing fur and she’s missing and-” He paused and started sobbing.

“...No.” The creepy glasses man fell to all fours and crawled away.

“Where are you Asirpa?!” Sugimoto screamed to the heavens, tears falling down his face.  
A bear roared and emerged from the brush. It charged at Sugimoto.

“Not. NOW!” Sugimoto launched a single punch into its snout that reduced it to bone. He gazed upon his fist wide eyed. “Holy fu-”

…

“Umeko, which one of us do you like better?” Toraji playfully asked. Umeko laughed.

“Hmm, I could never answer a question like that.”

“Oh really?” Sugimoto laughed.

…

Shiraishi ran head first into a wall.

“Ow! Fuck!” He yelled in pain. He looked at the wall. “What the fuck is this doing in the middle of the woods?!” 

He examined the wall and saw that it stretched off into what seemed to be infinity.

“Huh?” He expressed confusion as he followed the wall along. He eventually found himself at an arched gate. Above the gate was a sign that said-

Darkness was all Shiraishi saw at that moment. He was inside a sack. If only he had escape skills instead of burger skills.

“Let me out! Who are you?” He felt a very large forehead to his side as he called out. “Wait, Asirpa is that you?!”

“Shiraishi? Only now you’re here to save me?! And you get captured too?!” It was clear due to the tone of her voice she was very pissed.

The frosted tips man took out a megaphone shaped like a burrito and raised it to his mouth.

“Saichi Sugimoto! I have your friends!” He yelled into the void of the forest. “If you wish to get them back, you must come face me at my private walled city: Flavortown!”

Sugimoto raised his head and stared off into the distance.

“Oh no!” He whispered and dashed off to the rescue.

…

“Saichi, you always tell the best jokes!” Toraji exclaimed, laughing his ass off.

“Yeah, Toraji is right. That was totally killer.” Umeko giggled loudly.

Sugimoto would normally bask in the praise, but now he was silent.

“...Hey Umeko, Toraji? We’ll be friends forever right?”


	9. Flavortown Throwdown, Part 2 - The Trials of Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is played decently seriously. There is some graphic violence and grotesque imagery ahead.
> 
> Have fun!
> 
> Also, here's some fanart of the story so far from a wonderful friend of mine!:  
> https://twitter.com/15_legs/status/993967359873368064

The gates were tall. They were colored a deep reddish-brown and were quite uninviting. Nails and splinters stuck out liberally. A loudspeaker above the gate crackled to life.

“This is just the beginning ‘Sugimoto The Immortal.’” Frosted tips man laughed triumphantly. “Only I can survive the trials of Flavortown. To mutilate yourself or leave your friends behind? Tough choice.” 

Sugimoto stared at the gate carefully, seeing if there was a way around the numerous sharp protrusions to push his way through. Sadly, there wasn’t. But he knew one way to get through this.

“Fuck you!” Sugimoto declared, kicking the gate down. He could feel a nail pierce through his shoe and dig into his foot. He reached down and pulled the nail from his flesh. The warm sensation of blood trickling down his foot was quickly felt. “Y-you can’t stop me!”

“You say that now! But there are many more traps and trials waiting for you!” Mad laughter echoed from the speakers before the audio cut out.

“...Sugimoto, you can do this. For your friends. You can’t lose any more of them.”

Beyond the gate was a long corridor, a far cry from what had been described as a “city” by the frosted tips man. He took a deep breath, and began to walk down the corridor. It was dimly lit. Totally silent. As unnerving as anything Sugimoto had encountered. But the dread of knowing his friends were in danger made this truly frightening. There were no answers at the beginning or end of this equation, only limitless possibilities.

He eventually came to a door blocking his progression through the corridor. At first it seemed the knob had been painted an orange color, but upon closer inspection it was the orange hue of superheated metal.

“What is this?” Sugimoto wondered aloud.

“Well we missed out on the hand mutilation earlier! So I thought this would be appropriate.” The threatening voice of the frosted tips man boomed from speakers dotting the Hall. “I think you owe me. There’s only one way to open this door. And that’s it.”

Sugimoto nodded with determination and without hesitation gripped the door knob with his left hand. He let out a scream of pain. It was as if it was penetrating his flesh, tearing through him. With all his strength he turned the door and pulled it open, releasing his grip on the door knob. He breathed unsteadily, gritting his teeth. He looked down at the palm of his left hand. The skin had become spotty bloated. What seemed to be blood and puss emerged from the burned spot. He ran through the now open door only to fall to his knees. The pain was immense. 

“Why does this...hurt so much?” He wondered. He was tearing up. “In the past I’ve just, dealt with the pain. But why now? Why here?!” 

Sugimoto silenced himself and lifted his head. He stared straight down the seemingly endless corridor. He took a deep breath and stood up. 

“I can’t feel pity for myself!” He yelled. “I have to do this for them!”

…

“Wake up, little girl and idiot manchild.” The gruff voice demanded. Asirpa and Shiraishi sprang to life, they were chained to a wall. The frosted tips man stood before them, shirt cast aside. He had one of the tattoos emblazoned onto his body. “You’ve just taken a one way trip to Flavortown!”

Asirpa’s eyes widened and she struggled to free herself from her bonds. Shiraishi did the same.

“W-what are you doing this to us for?!” Shiraishi yelled. He sounded more panicked than Asirpa had ever heard before. It didn’t make her feel any calmer.

“How about I demonstrate?” The frosted tips man asked with sadistic glee. He walked over to a sack propped against the wall. He untied it and dumped a human corpse onto a table in front of his captives. The man grabbed a meat cleaver from the wall and with one fell swoop chopped off the corpse’s arm. He proceeded to take a hearty bite, ripping a large chunk of flesh from the arm, exposing the bone.

The two went silent. Asirpa could barely breathe. Whenever she tried, she choked. Was this real fear she felt? Shiraishi looked down to the floor, with a face of deep contemplation. Did he have a plan?

…

Sugimoto shrieked in agony as a saw blade launched from the wall and jammed itself rather deeply into his lower right leg. He bent down and clutched it tightly. With a swift movement and a loud hiss of pain he tore it from its lodging. Blood trickled rather quickly downwards from the wound. He laughed pitifully.

“Can’t stop me with cheap shit like that. Pretty weak traps you’ve got here.” He said tauntingly. “These are so improvised. You didn’t know we were coming. You weren’t ready for me.” He limped his way through the corridor, a smile coming to his face. “You’re just a man who pretends to be the king of this castle. You built an entire facade simply for me to walk down a fucking hallway?! That’s so friggin’ weak!”

Sugimoto came upon a door and bashed it down with his fist. What immediately met his eyes was the frosted tips man chowing down upon the corpse as his friends watched in horror. They looked up and smiled, tears cascading down their faces as they saw Sugimoto.

“Oh, looks like you made it.” The frosted tips man announced. He picked up the meat cleaver and looked straight at Sugimoto. He knocked the table over to make more room. With his blood coated lips, he spoke. “You are a nuisance.”

 

“Not as much of one as you are!” Sugimoto yelled.

“Well if you have the strength to walk and talk. You better have the strength to fight.” The frosted tips man settled into a combat stance, cleaver at the ready.

“I’m game.” Sugimoto followed suit. “But first, who are you?”

The frosted tips man bellowed with terrifying laughter.

“I am the hunter of all beings. I am the man who has feasted on every lifeform to walk this Earth.” He exclaimed proudly. “I am the hunter of hunters: Guy Fieri!”


	10. Flavortown Throwdown, Part 3 - Minute to Win It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fight of the century occurs.  
> TW: Violence

Sugimoto and Guy Fieri charged towards one another. Guy attempted to swing his meat cleaver towards Sugimoto’s shoulder. Sugimoto quickly grabbed Guy’s wrist and tore the cleaver away from him with his other hand. He threw the cleaver across the room, but was slammed to the floor by Fieri.

“In America, we call that getting owned!” Fieri yelled, bellowing out a sadistic laugh. Sugimoto quickly scrambled up from the floor, leaping forward at Guy and sinking his teeth directly into his right arm. He bit hard enough he felt blood flood his mouth. “Fuck!” Guy exclaimed, pulling Sugimoto away. A chunk was now ripped from his flesh, and he threw Sugimoto aside. Sugimoto spit the flesh from his mouth and smiled a bloody grin.

“Not so strong now, huh?” Sugimoto chuckled. He quickly noticed a loose nail sticking out of a floorboard. He gripped it tightly and pulled it out, setting it firmly between his middle and ring fingers on his right hand. With his best ability, he quickly rose up once more. “Take this asshole!” Sugimoto screamed, dashing at Guy and slamming his fist into Fieri’s face. Guy let out another yell of agony as Sugimoto withdrew his fist, leaving the nail behind in one of his eyes. 

“Who needs an eye when you assholes are gonna pay me back in a great feast?!” Guy pulled the nail away, uncaringly taking the eye out with it. Asirpa and Shiraishi made faces of disgust. Sugimoto smiled, for once his opponent was just as unflinching as he was. 

Shiraishi was still thinking. There had to be a way out of this! But what could it be?

“Wait!” Shiraishi whispered to himself and smiled, he actually had a plan! “Considering I eat so many of my own burgers, I must sweat pure grease at this point. Maybe that means…” Shiraishi tugged hard at his sweat soaked chains. Within moments his hands slipped free. He fell to the floor. Asirpa gasped with delight and had to restrain herself from being heard.

“Take this, fuckeroni salad!” Guy Fieri slammed a powerful uppercut into Sugimoto’s stomach. He flinched from the impact and proceeded to knee Guy in the stomach with all of his strength. Fieri staggered back slightly, but immediately came back with another punch to continue the tussle.

Shiraishi snuck around their battle unnoticed on all fours, searching around for a weapon. He noticed the meat cleaver from before, lying there on the floor. Without hesitation he snapped it up.

“This will do it!” He said to himself with conviction. He stood up straight, hoping that Fieri wouldn’t notice him. Finally, he took his chance. “Sugimoto, out of the way!” He yelled, quickly approaching the two. Sugimoto stepped out of the way as fast as he could.

“Wait, what the fu-“ Guy had no time to process the situation, a meat cleaver suddenly planting itself into his throat. Shiraishi and Sugimoto jumped back from him, keeping a fair distance in case he still hadn’t been done for. He reached absentmindedly towards the handle of the cleaver. He tried to move it, but only felt a severe sting of pain…and then he started laughing.

It started soft, but soon blew up into a hideous maniacal laugh akin to a hyena’s call. He began to stagger backwards, wobbling. He hit a loose floorboard and fell over into the flaming oven he’d intended to cook his victims in. A thick smell of burning flesh filled the room, the laughter not ceasing even as he burned alive.

Sugimoto and the gang winced. Shiraishi quickly freed Asirpa and as soon as they could they grabbed their things and went on their way. The disgusting laughter seemed to have went on for minutes and echoed in the halls of Flavortown.

But eventually, they couldn’t hear it anymore. Not because it stopped, but because they were too far away. The silence was filled with looming terror, a thick fog of dread. 

“...We should go get some food.” Sugimoto suggested.

“That’d be pretty great.” Asirpa responded, forcing a smile.


	11. Adagiogata for Strings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get dark again.

Ogata murdered his father.

Ogata murdered his mother.

Ogata murdered his half-brother.

His life revolved around death. It was an existence of begging for attention. Begging for love he greatly desired. But he never felt like he’d earned it. He just allowed himself this pitiful existence. The only person who’d given him a semblance of caring was Tsurumi. A man he considered a leader. A friend. The closest thing to family he still had.

“Ogata, what do you think of the first track on my album?” Hip Hop Master Tsurumi asked, snapping Ogata from deep thought. They were sitting at a table in some room at an inn in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. Tsurumi was blasting a very loud rap song from his boombox. It sounded pretty alright, could have used better audio mixing.

“Hey, what’s this song called again?” Ogata asked politely.

“Oh, it’s entitled ‘Fuck Me Like A Walrus!’” Tsurumi responded with joy. He grinned excitedly. “Is it any good?”

“Oh, well in my opinion you could adjust the audio mixing and vocal volume a bit. At the moment it’s just alright.” Ogata responded, a tight smile on his face.

“...Alright, huh?” Tsurumi’s smile faded. It had been replaced by a blank expression.

“Yes, but with some work it wou-“ Ogata was cut short as gunshots rang out and multiple bullets pierced through his head, killing him instantly. He lifelessly slid from his chair and hit the floor. Tsurumi waltzed up to his corpse.

“Alright, he says.” Tsurumi announces to the now solitary room. “Alright, he fucking says!” He repeated with an angrier tone, lifting one of his legs and stomping a foot down on Ogata’s body. He did it once more, letting out a gleeful laugh. Then again. And again.

“Little ungrateful soulsucker!” Tsurumi yelled. “I cover up all your fuck ups and you say my life’s passion is ‘alright?!’” He whipped out his pistol once more and emptied it into Ogata’s corpse. “Every single goddamn song all these years is ‘alright!’” He kicked the corpse a few more times before taking a deep breath and composing himself.

“I hope you rot in whatever hell you belong in.” Tsurumi whispers calmly.

“...Is everything okay in here, sir?” A young looking woman dressed in black clothes asked.

“Why yes, everything is great!” He took a very large stack of money off the table and held it out to her. “The plan went as intended, Ms. Ienaga.” 

“Oh great! I was hoping it’d be over and done with quick.” She giggled. She gleefully took the money and placed it in a bag she had strapped over her shoulder. “I’ll just take this.” She announced, hoisting up Ogata’s corpse.

“Go nuts, sweetheart.” Tsurumi answered, sitting back down. She giggled once more and carried the body off.

Tsurumi left the room and wandered to the lobby, where the Nikaidou twins were playing cards.

“Men!” Tsurumi exclaimed. The two immediately stood up straight and saluted.

“Yes sir? What may we do for you?” The two asked in unison.

“I want Second Lieutenant Koito here immediately. Get it done.”

“Of course!” The two said and without hesitation went on their way.

Tsurumi sighed and returned to his room. He sat back down and lit a cigarette. He took a long drag and laid his head back.

“Sometimes you have to trim the useless fat from the meat.”


	12. Stupit Uncle Phil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Nikaidou Twins get into shenanigans.
> 
> Guest written by GrandmaPeach!  
> Find her on twitter: @YaGrandmaPeach

With such swiftness and grace did the Nikaidou twins exit stage left on their identical warhorses to track down Second Lieutenant Koito. How'd the twins get identical horses, you may ask? Don't worry about it. All you need to know is they were undeniably handsome. Some say too handsome. But those who said that were nothing more than green-eyed monsters unable to reconcile their own failings in the face department in comparison to the Nikaidous. They were mirror images of one another. Faces so nice, they were twice. Pale as a full winter moon, eyes like dark matter, noses long enough to slice bread that lent them profiles that would strike a passersby to mistake them for nobility. From their plush, fishy lips came voices so similar you'd think they were voiced by the same voice actor or something.  
When they spoke in unison (which was all the time), it was like when you have your t.v on in one room? And then you go into the other room to get a snack? And you turn the t.v on in there too but you didn't turn the other one off? So you can kind of hear them both? And you'd think they'd line up perfectly but there's a weird delay every time for some reason? They sounded like that. If they were heading anywhere else, they wouldn't have used their horses and would have strode to their destination on their long, beautiful legs. But this night, they had to travel a longer distance to get to Koito. And travel they did, singing folk songs from their native prefecture of Shizuoka. Songs of oranges and love and a booming tourism industry. Their husky, velvet voices caressed the night air like a summer’s zephyr gently parts the hair of a poet writing on a hill.  
Second Lieutenant Koito lived in a tent much larger than anyone else's because his father was one of Tsurumi's sugar daddy side hoes. He had a lot of money from selling his likeness to a creampuff brand and had all that sweet mascot money to keep his offscreen wife too laden down with jewelry and flowers to complain about how her husband was always off cracking open cold ones with the boys. Koito believed himself to be very fancy and important and could almost always be found be playing his 1912 Microsoft Kinect Star Wars games in front of lesser officers who were not allowed to play it but were made to watch Koito play for hours even though it was very boring. The twins found him doing just that.  
“Hail and well met, Second Lieutenant Koito!” The twins announced themselves and dismounted their horses who were named Tangy and Juicy just so you know. They bowed in sync before Koito who was too busy stuffing his mouth with the contents of a family-sized bucket of Sakuma Drops to notice how much better-looking the twins were than him.  
“We come bearing news! First Lieutenant Tsurumi just killed off Ogata like it was sweeps-week and asked us to come find you for reasons he did not divulge.”  
Koito burst out of his well-worn, Swarovsky crystal-encrusted bean bag so fast his knees almost gave out.  
“First Lieutenant Tsurumi wants to see ME?” He screeched in delight and surprise. It was a poorly-kept secret that Koito fancied only one thing more than himself and berating subordinates and that was Hip Hop Master Tsurumi. Koito did not refer to Tsurumi by his Hip Hop Master title because no one who was not also a part of Tsurumi's rap guild were allowed to address him as such. It was Koito's dream to join Tsurumi's guild and destroy his father Game of Thrones-style to take his place in Tsurumi's favor. How he dreamed of Tsurumi telling Koito the track he laid down was “fire”. His mind raced with possibilities.  
“Yes but we must hurry, sir. It wouldn't be right of us to keep him waiting.” The twins were very loyal and never did anything wrong ever. Koito wiped the candy off his lips, filled in his eyebrows, and grabbed his mixtape. It was just one track of him screaming but the auto-tune made it sound super professional and not at all like ear-assault. Then he put it back down, lip trembling. No. Now was not the time to try debuting. Such a bold move would be improper when he was being summoned.  
“Let us away, then! If we're late, I'll blame it on you and First Lieutenant Tsurumi will spank you for your insubordination! ..Hold up, I'll take the fall for it. Aaaaall of it.” Once the drool pooling from Koito's thirsty mouth was sucked up, he and the twins rode back to Tsurumi who awaited their return with great plans soon to be revealed on the next episode of Kamuy Ball Z!


	13. Inubros Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team up of terror begins.

Inudou and the Hunky Bunch sat around a fire. Tanigaki was replacing the bandages on Noma’s legs and cleaning out Tamai’s gaping face hole. Inudou was reading this week’s issue of Old Lady Boobage, partaking in The GILF of the Week. He looked up from his magazine to see Tanigaki’s eyes staring at him.

“So tell us, who are you and your glorious calves?” Tanigaki asked. “Why have you helped us?”

“Well, my name is Shirosuke Inudou. I used to work in a shitty ass prison torturing an old man.” He answered honestly. He held up his sock puppet. “And this is Hiji-kun.”

“Nice to meet you!” The puppet said. 

“...It’s nice to make your acquaintance.” Tanigaki says with a forced smile. He swallows a cherry cola whole to ease the tension.

“So tell me, what are you doing out here in these snow encrusted woods?” Inudou said, beating his meat (for dinner.) Then he jacked it in San Diego.

“We were attacked by a bear and we can’t find our way back to our unit.” Tanigaki resounded. “My friends are seriously wounded and I’m doing my best to nurse them back to health.”

“Ah yes, a situation faced by many great men...orange slice?” Inudou held out a bag of orange slices labeled “Schnerg Farms” and smiled earnestly.

“I’ll take one.” Tamai exclaimed, taking an orange slice and slipping it down his mouth canyon. He looked remarkably good for a man without a face, and would go on to win Man of the Year 1923 in Faceless Male Magazine.

“Now listen up schmucks!” Hiji-kun suddenly yelled. “This buttfuckin man meat here is too afraid to bring up the true nature of our meeting.” The puppet glared at Inudou before looking back to the men. “We wish to have you act as our guides through this twisted land. We are lost on our search for an escaped convict. We need to return him to prison.”

“Is an escaped convict really our problem?” Noma asks. “How can we even be guides when we’re injured and as lost as you are!?” Noma laughs. “We’re fuckin’ screwed man! We are screwed!”

Inudou suddenly stands up tall. He salutes to the soldiers respectfully.

“Soldiers, I do promise you that with all my power I will not allow you to die in this frozen land. We can work together and with all of our strengths we can make it!” Inudou says proudly. “As a man of honor, I will not break my word!”

“Are you sure about this?” Tanigaki asks, stunned by the man’s sudden gesture.

“I sure am! Can never have too many allies in this world!” Inudou smiles a not-gremlin smile for once in his life.

“Well that’s really kind of you, but how are we gonna get around, genius?” Tamai asked, arms crossed.

They all looked at a bike shop that was right next to them.

…

The men rode along on the four seated bicycle, Noma taped down to prevent him from falling off.

Inudou smiled his gremlin smile, knowing he now had minions in his hunt for Toshizou Hijikata.


End file.
